rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
