What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
