I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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