Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
