Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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