I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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