i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
