I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
