you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
So many bounce houses so little time
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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