I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
