And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
