Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
Randomize
