**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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