I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
