ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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