He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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