Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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