I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
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