my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
