you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
