hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
