I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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