So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Anything that's based on a blow job I'm in favor of.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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