Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
