You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
