my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
Randomize
