watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Randomize
