Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
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