im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
