one word: firstdatebathroomanal
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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