i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
