pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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