I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Randomize
