My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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