Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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