Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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