So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
