He asked to "fluff my boner.."
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
