i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
