I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
