They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
