so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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