I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
