I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
