I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
