I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
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