did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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