Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
Randomize
