I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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