im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
