So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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