there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
You need a sexual gate keeper
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
