he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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