Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
