i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Randomize