so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
