this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
