I accidentally had phone sex last night
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
