I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
